It’s going to be fine.

I have a friend whose company frustrates me when I’m going through it because they’ll always say “Lisa, it’s going to be fine.” My physical response is a smile  but my mental response is me yelling “NO, ITS NOT” Then it does get better or I eventually get over it. 

I’m the dramatic type, if my phone doesn’t work the way it should on a day when my tasks are overflowing, my heart beats and tears start flowing. The smallest inconveniences get the biggest show from me and that’s just how it is. So you can imagine when something that’s actually BAD happens to me, I fold over and refuse to unravel myself. 

However, I just completed a task that was consuming all of me and something came to me. This particular task kept me considering my capabilities and it made me question my decisions because I was overwhelmed by it. I completed it and  my whole life snapped back to normal, it worked out and I was fine. 

A lot of the time, things happen and we think it’s the end of the world, we want to pack and leave, if the “we” isn’t you then it’s definitely me. A specific tweet has been on my timeline all week reminding me that “what seemed like the worst has happened and I got through it.” From when I first saw this tweet, I thought that was a very interesting statement.

I went back to all the situations I’ve conquered, situations that in that moment looked like the biggest problem ever and I might actually die. Most of the pain and hurt I went through from these situations is something I don’t experience to date. All the worrying and worst case scenarios never came to pass.

What I’m trying to say with this post is that maybe my annoying friend is right, it’s going to be fine. It is fine. It has been fine. Whatever it is that has you by the neck will get better and if it doesn’t, you’ll probably adapt to it and it won’t be as bad. 

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Affirming yourself

One of the things that have become a part of who I am and what I’m known for is loudly and very publicly stating how much of a babe I am.

I coined the phrase “a hot babe is a hot babe” after going risks with a hair color and just reminding myself even if I did what, my face would deliver.

My loud affirmations might sound like vanity fo many, might have some people feeling a type of way about me  but they have been able to do the extra work I intended for them. Show how you don’t need outside validation about something as easy as beauty.

I can 20% guarantee I’m not as much of a babe, as I shout that I am (my chest is in pains because I don’t believe that) but because I have been able to convince myself that I am, you now have the unfortunate or fortunate pleasure of thinking the same.

I’m trying to get at improving or growing a culture of inner validation and inner affirmation before we go out and seek it from people who’s validation is seasonal and can always be reversed.

I know on the things that I don’t truly believe of myself, It’s very easy for my heart to be toiled with in relation. For example, I know I’m brilliant and I know I’m talented and no comment in regards to that can ever shake my firm understanding of that. I know I have a very on and off relationship with loving my body and any comment can put us in the negative.

It is with this I say, learn to affirm yourself. Unapologetically and consistently. A friend of mine said “you’ll say your things so much and start believing them.” So what about boosting that confidence with affirmations?

Celebrate yourself!

This has been a pending post for me. I meant to write during the second I’d my birth weeks but life does it’s thing and I get out of rhythm and schedule. Nonetheless, I made a commitment and I’m a woman of my word.

My birthday was fantastic, one of the best that I’ve had in forever. I was surrounded and engulfed in love. My scheduled birthday anxiety didn’t make it because I achieved so much in the last year and was able to meet my targets.

I was intentional in cultivating friendships and my people really did the thing with gifting, being present, listening, supporting and creating a tribe for me.

Therefore, I did not spare a moment in regards to celebrating myself. This comes naturally because I’m always clapping for myself. I feed off attention and I know I can’t always get it from others so I made room for it.

However, with this birthday I chose to use material love and spare no expense with it when it came to celebrating me.

Gifts and money might not be your form of celebration but the important thing about learning who you are is learning how to celebrate yourself in a way that pleases you.

Then backing this lesson up with action means doing it loudly, if you’re able to give others a pat on the back and celebrate them, imagine how much doing that for you too might do for your progress. I’ll write more about being hard on yourself and what it takes from your joy. We’re the hardest on ourselves so why not learn to celebrate ourselves as hard.

29 Lessons till the 29th

If they don’t come in time, be certain that they will come regardless. It was my birthday on the 29th of January and as tradition that I have performed for the past two years, I pick something that I will religiously commit to sharing about and share honestly. 

The year 2020 presented countless opportunities for me to grow as an individual as well as learn and I wanted to highlight on those lessons and see how they can impact people that view them so here we go!

1. Gratefulness

Be grateful always, it is easy to focus on all the horrible things that happen or the problems that consume us. Once a week just being grateful for health or breath goes a long way.

2. Ask and you’ll receive

There’s a lot of fear that came with asking. The biggest was rejection. I’ve asked my way into many things this year. I got no’s and so many yes’s too! Needs won’t be met because they’re not known.

3. Let it go

I don’t share a lot. I hoard in a lot of feelings and the thing with piling emotions up is that they will always come back to claim their space. 2020 had me letting it go. If it is not going to change. I can’t let it consume me.

4. It is okay to address your emotions.

I’m usually running from them. Learning to decipher why I’m feeling what I’m feeling and how to get past it with healthier coping mechanism has been so important for me.

5. Say it

If you know, you’ll know I have a mouth on me. I’ll say it regardless of how it will make you feel. If you upset me you’ll know. This just help people learn to respect me because I’ll let you know when you’ve crossed the line.

6. Love people from a distance.

It is okay to let people run their course in your life. It’s okay to lose close proximity to people. You can wish them well and care for them from a distance.

7. Own the spaces you are in. I

I understood this more than I practiced it and for the last year, it’s really all I’ve been doing. I am deserving and worthy also I’ve worked really hard and I won’t be polite about it.

8. Deal with it

One of the most difficult days was when I had to follow through with tasks and my body shut down. There was so much pain emotionally an my body wouldn’t let me do a thing. So this is the year of dealing with it.

9. You’re paying more in the long run

I am an addictive buyer but learning that quality over quantity was so important. Especially when it comes to things that I need to be durable, just a tip.

10. Filter your expectations

I have high expectations of myself, others, my work. This broke my heart when they were never met. So last year was about hoping for the best and expecting the worst then realigning myself.

11. “We move regardless.”

Learning to move regardless. Making a new path when things don’t work. Making peace with failed attempts.

12. Be persistent

It’s so easy to give up. It’s so easy to normalize situation because there’s no hope for change.

13. Be at peace with what you can’t change

Literally got this as soon as they switched off the internet. I had so much work pending but couldn’t do a thing to change the situation. Letting things I can’t control go has given me peace.

14. Adjust to the situation

If there was one thing 2020 taught us, it was the unexpected will happen and everything you had planned will shift. So rearrange yourself to that.

15. Forgive

This was such a hard lesson. I like to hold my grudges and I won’t be convinced otherwise but sometimes it’s really to your benefit to forgive.

16. Imagine the world doesn’t revolve around you.

Another hard one but as the experiences grow, so does this fact. You’re not the center of the world. As soon as I understood this, my heart stopped paining a lot.

17. Be mindful with your words.

I know how words hurt me but I still used to speak fwaa, disregarding what those words might mean to others. A friend told me how hurtful I was to them and how happy they were that I’d grown from that person. Eye opening!

18. Someone is ALWAYS watching.

Fair enough, I’m out there but someone is always watching. Use that information as you please, I’ll be using it to make some more money this year.

19. Share your knowledge

Share, share, share! I love to learn and finding new ways to share what I learn with as many people as I can gives me joy.

20. Break it down

I tend to take on A LOT. I’m 90% always complaining about how much work I have. Finding my work pace has been so vital for my productivity. Take it all in small pieces.

21. Listen to your instincts

I’m a very intuitive person. My soul will feel it before I see it. Sometimes I ignore this and only have myself to tell me “I TOLD YOU SO.” Your gut probably knows better.

22. Introduce yourself from luxury

The kind of money I intend to make and life I’d like to live isEXPENSIVE, it is only right that I start normalizing it. I don’t approach things with “that’s expensive.” It’s a “I want that for me, what do I need to do?”

23. Choose what matters

I’m a very emotional person so getting into my feelings is very east. I’ve had to make the choice between what matters enough, what will change and what I’ll fuss over for an hour and let go.

24. Give without expectations

I love to gift my friends and I’ll never gift with the expectation that you must do it back. Obviously as someone that loves gifts, I had to learn this. I’m personally so pressed by people who say “you didn’t so I can?”pls, are we 5?

25. Invest in yourself

For the people that make a brand out of their personalities, spend money on yourself because it’ll make you more. I hate to say it but the impression matters in the industry.

26. Choose Peace

I am a very verbally violent person and for the last year, I was in positions where I needed to be tolerant or choose peace and discern what needed my input and what I could let slide. It’s a battle.

27. Use your privilege

A lot of people like to run away from the fact that they have access to certain things because humility. I understand this but it is not getting you anywhere. If you can get into a room, sell yourself to the highest bidder.

28. Use your network

I built Oboniire purely on the assumption that my friends will support me. That support differed from not only purchasing but spreading the message. How can you make money from the people that you know? You can’t be a Kampala mayor and not make money.

29. Celebrate

Wahala no dey finish! Enjoy every milestone, enjoy your people, enjoy love just bask in all the happiness that comes your way.

Choose what matters

So it’s a constant in between of whether my emotions should take the lead or logic.

I committed to an article a week of whatever I’m thinking and feeling for this year. I started this blog to be able to openly share who I am and what my brain space looks like without the limitations of mainstream media so here’s this week’s article.

I would like to say I’m a very emotional person, I won’t talk about the emotions but I’ll feel them. They’ll consume me and some times show up in me over indulging in intoxicants or socializing too much or procrastination depending on what and where the feelings are from.

A special shout out to the creatives who can’t create without peace, I’m one of them and it’s horrible because ALL my work asks for my creativity. So I have to push through or miss he deadlines. When I tell you it’s hectic!

Last year came with a lot of lessons and I’ve been doing 29 lessons till the 29th on my social media pages to share some of these lessons. One of them is choosing what matters enough to me. As much as all things are able to affect you, I’ve had to make the choice to what is allowed to consume me the most and what isn’t for my peace.

Emotions will definitely get in the way often and my  deciding factors vary between the situation. If it involves people, you are not going to change someone that hasn’t made the conscious choice to change. If it concerns situations that are stressing me out, I’ll ask myself if it’ll matter in a day or a week and if the answer is no, I make peace with it then.

Choosing what matters to me is difficult because I want to feel my things but I also want to be able to function. So it’s a constant in between of whether my emotions should take the lead or logic.

Rest without guilt

You won’t get it done, if you don’t do it with intentionality

If you are Ugandan, welcome back from the forced social media break. Did you get some rest? What were your losses? How did the election period wins and losses have you feeling? Talk to me or not. I’m just here to share my words with you.

I work and exist wholly on the internet, so the break had me running around like a headless chicken for the first two hours. How will I meet my school deadlines? How long is this going to last? What does this mean for my business? I have GIRL TALK deadlines. Selfishly, “what if I can’t post for my birthday?” Okay, after all these questions and understanding there’s absolutely nothing I’m going to do, I gave in to waiting.

Waiting meant there’s nothing to do but sit down and rest. My mind is ALWAYS at 100%, so having the luxury to sleep in, read a book with undivided attention, sit with my siblings and actually speak to them is something so unfathomable. In all this, I still felt guilty and kept thinking of ways to be productive, maybe I should write, let me read a few texts for my exams, get to the business finances.

A couple of my friends ask me, “will you die if your not productive?” and whenever I started looking for ways to be productive, I asked myself that same question. Will you die, Lisa?

So for 2021, I am going to try this rest without guilt as often and as intentional as I can. I work endlessly, I sleep horribly and I’m always thinking of new ways to be busy but I need to learn that my value is not tied to how much work I do and how many things I’m balancing. That it’s okay for me to be tired and to take a break.

I know writing this means those in my life are going to be reminding me often so maybe if you’re like me, we can attempt this thing together. You won’t get it done, if you don’t do it with intentionality.

Intoxicated people can’t consent

So my body didn’t give me the accurate information. My soul has been in the gutter all week. It happened again. It was confirmed and the audacity of the persons worry being “I hope you don’t put me on Twitter” not “I violated you, I’m sorry. How are you feeling?”

I mentioned there was no recollection. I thought I was safe, at worst, no one would let me out of their sight. I maintain a specific group after the first incidents. I rarely will spontaneous. I calculate my plans. I calculate my movements.

I didn’t see it coming. I’m thinking it’s my fault. I kept taking the shots. I was the one that let myself get into that situation.

My feminist logic wants to remind me about consent, “a drunk person can never ever consent.” BUT YOU GOT YOURSELF DRUNK! FFS!

I can’t process this. It’s going to be another very long night. It’s going to be another hard couple of months. It’s going to be another sight that I can’t stand. It’s going to be another of the many.

FFS!

So since I’m back to square one, the worst has literally happened, let’s have this conversation. I’m going to have to deal with my emotions later but I keep catching myself. Before we go anywhere, my first response is maybe leave the drinks. That’s me making a choice based off people’s failure to understand consent. Why should it be?

It should be OKAY for women to get blackout intoxicated, failing to function drunk and no decision is taken on their body without their permission, their sober permission.

So I’ll ask politely as words defeat me, please don’t rape drunk girls. Please!

So, happy new year?

I couldn’t sleep last night, every minute felt like 1 hour and my breath was struggling. I was perfectly fine till I was informed that I’m my stupor, I happened to slip away with a man and for someone who had been violated in that manner twice. The first fear was “did it happen again?

I wanted to know what happened but also I was afraid of a confirmation but the insistent calls from said gentleman and the fact that my body was not telling me otherwise was confirmation enough that nothing happened.

I had a full blown panic attack because I was scared that it was a new year and I’d have to deal with more trauma. My biggest fear is having to go through the motions of sexual violence and not this year, PLEASE!

January seems to be the headrest time for my triggers because I tend to remember this is a new year and my pain is still here. It’s still controlling my interactions, it’s still limiting the way I live my life and the worst is that there’s no guarantee that it won’t happen again.

January is also usually the time that a huge chunk of my support system has left physical proximity meaning I might have to do a lot of life alone. I won’t get my hugs or hand holding that reaffirm me when I need it the most.

January is also the most anticipated time of my year because it’s my birthday but the closer I get to it and being the person that I am, I look at all the things that I haven’t achieved or really want for myself. I’m happy that in the past year, I outdid myself and my capabilities.

So as much as I am at my happiest in January because it is my birthday month. There’s also so much happening with how I’m thinking. So if you see me around give me a covid safe hug or send me some tea. Nonetheless, Happy New Year! I hope I’ll be writing it out.

How do you want to be loved?

How about you’re more intentional with how you love your people?

I walk into here with shame because it’s been months since I wrote. I have an explanation but let me begin with an apology to myself for not writing it out and to you, that probably enjoyed my words.

It’s been hectic, new job promotion and trying to navigate that. A business owner with a fast growing business, grateful for that and a student but if I make time to go out and drink then I should for writing? I’m sorry, darlings! Let’s start with working on consistency in the new year.

I was wondering what my last blog post should be when I remembered the love series and a hard reality that I had to deal with recently. I had to have a confrontational conversation with a friend over how they loved me, hurt they never understood where I was coming from but grateful that I got to understand myself better.

I like to be loved softly. I have such a strong demeanor that it’ll shock you how much of a 5 year old I actually am when you know me intimately. I like love to be verbalized multiple times, I like attention, I like presence, I enjoy kind words, I only understand criticism when it comes wrapped in a compliment sandwich. I don’t like being yelled at.

Love that isn’t soft feels like rejection to me so what I’m doing during the entire relationship romantic or not is trying to win your soft love and feeling unworthy of it whenever I don’t get. I feel drained after this ordeal.

I’ve been grateful to receive soft love when it comes to my foundational understanding of love and that’s the only way I knew how to be loved. My mother grew up in a home that computed love through acts of services and never words of affirmation or physical touch so for the longest time, I did not think that my mother loved me. It took her learning how to be softer, giving kisses, verbalizing that she loves me and putting in the work to learn to love softer and love how I understood it for our relationship to flourish.

I think it’s important for us to ask the people that mean anything to us, the people that we seek to love. How they like to be loved and transition in loving them that way. It’s important that we don’t copy-paste the love that we give people that are parts of our lives. It will be a lot of work but it’s worth it for a relationship we intend to keep.

I’ll end this by sharing on one of my closest friendships, I’m a physical touch and in your face lover while my friends is an acts of service and quality time lover without necessarily having to touch at any point. For the longest time, I thought this friend didn’t love me and she thought I was doing too much which made her uncomfortable. It took both of us taking the time to understand and compromise on how to love each other better.

So for your new year, how about you’re more intentional about how you love your people?

Oppressors don’t call the shots.

“Is oppression sweet?”

I had two separate conversations that inspired this piece the first being about Dr. Nyanzi and the next being about the “Men are Trash” movement and you already know that all were had with men. 

The first asked “You love Dr. Nyanzi, do you agree with her use of vulgar language to make her point. Can’t she be nicer?” And the second suggested “How will you get the men onto the feminist movement if you call them trash, find a better approach?” 

The first response that came to mind both times was the question whether “oppression is sweet?” Dr. Nyanzi speaks truth to power to a dictator and a regime that over stayed their welcome. Persons that were once liberators but then became oppressors.  Feminism and the Men are Trash movement speaks to men who continue to kill and oppress women. I want to understand in which of these situations is being kind a better solution? Which of these situations evokes kindness or politeness? 

I’ll reiterate the question “Is oppression sweet?” There’s nothing about being dehumanized that you can enjoy and the retaliation that is then taken can never be “sweet.” We can’t ask people who are oppressed to find more palatable ways to express their pain. That’s a disservice to them, that’s entitlement on the end of the oppressor. How do you slap me and tell me how to react. Now imagine with women, how do you rape me, put me in constant fear for my life but tell me how to ask you “politely” to stop doing it? Or the queer community that’s endlessly hated with actions and language but later asked to kindly present their case to restore their humanity? 

A quote by Asaata Shakur; 

“Nobody  in the world, nobody in history has ever gotten their freedom by appealing to the moral sense of the people oppressing them.” 

No oppressor wants to give up power. No oppressor wants to stop oppressing. It is in their favour and you trying to appeal to a moral sense that’s probably non existent is a waste of time. Oppression is painful and the way people express that pain is up to them. So the next time you feel the need to police expression against oppression remember that oppressors have no right to call the shots and go with that. 

For the oppressed that choose kindness, a common example that’s used by racists against black protests is the late Dr. Martin LutherKing having been a peaceful protestor, he was still killed. There’s no way you can ask for freedom that won’t be perceived as a threat to the oppressor. Therefore, if you have it in you to end the need to be liked by those who harm you. To do the work without respectability politics. This is a good tome to start. 

pc: Pinterest

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